June 8th, 2005

Current Music: Terminal-Maps Subject: Check this Band out Time: 02:08 pm Current Mood: drained

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June 1st, 2005

Current Music: NOF-Sorry Subject: This Isn't Hollywood Time: 05:27 pm Current Mood: bored

So wow, Haven't updated this thing in a while, Been BUSSSY I tell you. I graduated last week....WHOA YES. That was very exciting. Now I have to get a new job, not exciting. Hopefully I get one at Cheddars or Tropical Smoothie...We'll see I guess. Man I don't even know what to write about, so much has been going on, it's hard to even begin... Basic question asked lately...Do you have a boyfriend? and the answer is No, I do not. Boys and me don't click. Okay just kidding we do. But all these boys are like YEAAA I like you sooo much, then they turn gay or alcoholics..what's up with that, someone please tell me. SO for now I'm single, and I think that's probobly a good thing, my real man is on tour somewhere having hundreds of hormonal girls screaming at him. He just isnt aware we are dating yet. He'll realize it soon though, whoever he is...hmm Just kidding. But seriously I'm marrying someone in the music industy, I know it. And another question I've been getting is, "are you a model?" I'm like noo, as I was out of 7 11 with A candy bar and Chocolate milk, where do these boys see models? I swear..But yeah I'm bored, So I'm going to go now, good riddens. <33KADIE

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May 1st, 2005

Current Music: The Honorary Title-Everything I once had Subject: Les garçons et les filles frappent Time: 09:41 pm Current Mood: bleh.

Driving for hours, mapping out our destination, never really achieving one You took me along only so I could introduce you to my cute friends. My favorite spot became a bad occurrence of you and her kissing. Why I stayed so long still throws me off, that night will never be a blur. Sitting in your bathroom staring at myself while you made your move on my best friend. Now tell me why you’re smiling? Listening to her dote for hours disgusted me, making me think of you with contempt. I don’t know why I care, it’s not like you ever did. You’re a fake and I’m starting to believe you know it. I’ve fallen victim to hopeless romanticism and I need a fix. But your eyes no longer can heal my soul; your lips no longer speak my language. There was nothing like “Us” But I’ve built quite a wall here. Away from you, away from everyone. Hey, It’s not like you ever loved me, so why that face?

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April 24th, 2005

Current Music: Acceptance-Over YOU Subject: I see it coming after the worst of m e. Time: 06:28 pm Current Mood: I see it coming

Disappointment is the key word of the day. We think we have control until we put ourselves in situations where we are torn apart from our usual routine. It's the everyday denial that leads to this path It's only when we are alone, that we tear at the seam. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He said, "You were the brightest face in the crowd" She said, "Your emptiness made me whole" Dive into the space between sanity and truth. Both seem to easy to dodge. God will forgive, but I scorn myself for this reoccurring action. Looking into your eyes is like looking into a mirror, so I choose to avoid the Self-confrontation. They say, "I'm running" they say, "It will all pass" But I want to hear what you have to say about me now that I have passed. Our talk feels so cheap, and your lies are begging for your self-conviction. So we've drawn the lines between us and the rest of the world. We've drawn the boundry from friend to foe. It doesnt feel right at all, but we've built a wall, together. So we are stuck with this creation we have chosen to make. We're stuck in this constant complacency of fate.

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Current Music: Sigur Ros Subject: Surprise Surprise Time: 05:12 pm Current Mood: goin on 4 hours

"Hey there love, let's get to catching up. 'Cause I been thinking those thoughts that must have slipped my mind that time that I left you there that night." I replied, "Let me remind you of the guy you failed to mention all along. 'Cause your actions have consequences and these are them." [Chorus:] I'll be your friend in hell, until then I despise you. And I probably always will. I can't afford to make another mistake like this, 'Cause this is more than I can take. I don't mean to leave angry, this is by your own devise. I'm sure this comes as no surprise. Hey there babe, don't mean to cut you off, but I've heard enough lies and you're dying to get caught. I'll let you go call all your friends. "Oh my god! Let me describe to you this guy, his name is Ken, he's in this band that writes such, awful songs about me all the time." You're goddamn right! [Chorus] Fine, just let me lie here for a while, 'Cause I'll be staying up, yeah hanging up all night. Oh, I'm spent with all intentions (of your bit?). To a hopeless case, to a sharp headache, to a choice you make To the reason why I, to the reason why I say.

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April 21st, 2005

Current Music: The Starting Line-Bedroom Talk Subject: The Time Abyss Time: 07:14 pm Current Mood: wank wank

Slow motion turns fast as the colors turn to a Hugh of patterns across the black abyss' The shades flood my eyes, and my lips begin to curl in an upward motion as my memory races to the beats’ Skin to Skin' Dripping with anticipation of the fleeting moment. If actions have consequences I'm in love with reconcile. With every breath hearts race faster and faster' Faster, Faster, It's becoming hard to keep up. I cannot afford to make another mistake, time becomes the enemy. I have become the enemy. I wait, I look around, and notice the silence has become the beating sound. I'm alone, I've jumped into the next scene, and I can't quite remember how I got here. So I guess I’m stuck in the meantime

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April 16th, 2005

Current Music: Tim McGraw-Drugs or Jesus Subject: Random Joy. Time: 12:19 pm Current Mood: WHEW.

Wow, ever have those random moments when your heart is so happy, and it's all jumpy? Gosh, I love that feeling. It's so weird, because at the same time I'm so stressed. AHH I feel like I need to reach out more, and be more caring. Sounds corney, but I really used to be a really sweet person, and I think I've changed, I've settled for a average existance, and that's not me. Geesh, I'm such a cool girl, and a good one. Why am I settling for "okay" I think it's because I live in this dream world or somethan, like my expectations arent really realistic. I have such high expectations of people and they don't meet them, and I'm like ahh. I wish I could just be a guenuinely happy person. It's like I'm searching for something, in every place but the right place. And I know what I need to do, but I avoid it. It's like I am holding myself back from my own personal Joy. Okay, I'm probobly sounding totally weird right now. On a different note, I am really lonely. I really want a boyfriend. I'm just putting it out there. Cause I feel like it. And not just any boyfriend, a good one. I've had so many sucky guys, It's like jerks are drawn to me. All I want it a guy to open my door, and not be a total self-centered douche. Damn too much to ask? I think not. Song of the moment-Anberlin-The Feel Good Drag "Everyone in this town is seeing someone else Everybody tired of someone our eyes wander for help Prayers that need no answer now I'm tired of who I am You were my greatest mistake I fell in love with your sin You littlest sin Was this over before Before it ever began Your Kiss Your calls Your crutch Like the devils got your hand This was over before Before it ever began Your Lips Your Lies Your Lust Like the devils in your hands Failure is your disease You want my outline drawn You are my greatest failure Discourse your saving song" Sorry so long.

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April 11th, 2005

Current Music: The rocket summer-never knew Subject: I'm doing everything for you. Time: 09:33 pm Current Mood: look i have a yellow wond.

So yeah, today was good, I had a soccer game, we lost, but it was still fun. heh then my mom took me out to eat, and bought me a really cute bathingsuit with pink and black pocadots...is that how you spell that word? Whatever. cha. I got cute sunglasses too, they are so in right now if you know what I mean. HAHA I'm so dorky.. ANYWAYS. good day. Good weekend. Met a cool person. I can't exactly remember too much about it.. haha but it was good.

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March 28th, 2005

Current Music: Coldplay-scientist Subject: "The Main Character Flawed" Time: 09:17 pm Current Mood: nobody said it was easy

I feel as if I have no place to go. I'm trapped in the complacency. These feelings are suffocating me I’ve tried to find relief. The void between me and you The feelings of you being untrue. I almost feel invisible to you. Can’t you just try to look me eye to eye? The show you put on, reaction is your drug I won’t hand feed to my own self-destruction. I won’t..so I guess.. I’ll never know, and you’ll never feel the flame of this heart. So let the scene play out, and I’ll keep in character. …for everyone’s sake. This is bigger than you now.

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March 26th, 2005

Current Music: Death Cab-We laugh indoors. Subject: Will We? Time: 04:44 pm Current Mood: yipes

Will We? Will we… Last till the end, will we grow old with the same last name? Will we sail the seven seas and scream that we’re insane. Will we kiss in the rain like the movies that grew us young? Roll under the apple trees in the orange West setting sun. Will we remember our flaws, or will their scares fade with time? Laugh at the memories while falling in love to a glass of wine. Will we ask these questions once we’ve reached this golden age? Or will we embrace with the hours of our youth less fading liage.

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March 23rd, 2005

Current Music: Dc/Postal-Dream of evan and chan Subject: The 2005 Denbigh Soccer Team Time: 09:56 pm Current Mood: I like this face.

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March 22nd, 2005

Current Music: Owen-Bed Abuse Subject: I could leave you well enough a l o n e ... Time: 09:11 pm Current Mood: lalala. um yeah.

So yeah today was...eventful to put it lightly.. Exasting accually. I am so stressed with everything going down right now. On a possitive note though..We won our Conference game against hampt. 6 to 0...that was awesome...It was our first game too...I think this season is going to rock.. But yeah..School...blows..AHH. Anddd I have to take out a loan for a car...which totally sucks. BUT I really need one. Anything else to gripe about?? Why yes. thanks for asking.. Did I mention I'm exasted..AHH, why yes I did. And were not gonna go there.. as to where this next comment could possibly lead..just look at my song...right now, as in at the current moment.. I spend most days in this bed that I abuse On these pillows that you can’t get used to I spend entire days putting off that which can be Until I’m deep in my own waste And I feel that I’m justified ‘Cause I’ve seen what trying’s done for those that tried I spend most days in this bed too small for two And this place and time Like I’ve got it to lose I spend endless days thinking of all the different ways That we made love And I think that I’m justified Cause I’ve seen what living’s done for those alive They don’t survive, they don’t survive I spend entire days in this bed too small for two On these pillows that you can’t get used to And that’s why I don’t sleep at night And that’s why I don’t feel right in this city It’s more me than you" GOOD song.. enough said. goodbye.

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March 21st, 2005

Current Music: Copeland-Choose the one who loves you most Subject: Beautiful Secret Lives. Time: 08:53 pm Current Mood: I can't see you

My previous journal entry kind of brought me down So here's a happy picture to make it seem less depressive..

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March 20th, 2005

Current Music: Owen-Bed Abuse Subject: Sigh. Time: 04:27 pm Current Mood: Holding hands We'll fall.

So.I can't believe myself sometimes.. That's that. What is wrong with me? I can't ever decide what I want. You seemed perfect. I really thought I was going to marry you. I honestly did. We went through so much together. The past year and a half were crazy.. I admit. We both went through so much. But I thought we would get through it, Sometimes I replay memories in my mind. Like when it was October and we were on that little beach and you wrote me that beautiful letter that was such an amazing time in my life. I used to sit for countless hours watching you play your guitar and I'd help you record, remember? You were so passionate about that guitar, almost as passionate as you were about me.. There were just so many things left unsaid. I feel like I have to explain myself. But you never ask me to..You never ask. I know to this day if I called you pick up, and your voice would comfort me as it always did. I know I threw it away, and I'm not sure why. It just did'nt feel right. We were going to get married..ugh. I have to stop now.

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Current Music: Well Copeland..My sister is playing it ^stairs.. Subject: So this is Odd. Time: 02:42 pm Current Mood: Aight yo'

I just ran MY father to band practice... He's 49 and in a band. I should be the one in a band... Should'nt he be running me to band practice? Anyways, another AKWARD thing happened with that. He told me he liked my music. And if he was my age again he would listen to the same stuff and go to the shows I go to...And That was a totally cool moment in my life. Me and my dad..bonding on music..haha And he likes Copeland..haha Now that is some cool "jank" It's now a famiy ritual to hear copeland throughout the house.. It's a good thing I like them so much or that jank would get OLD.

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Current Music: Gratitude Subject: Y o u come over unannounced. Time: 02:19 pm Current Mood: Lil' clapping hands. heh

Randomly found this picture..Made me Happy.. James is a cool guy.

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March 19th, 2005

Current Music: The December Drive Subject: The truth in Yellow and Green. Time: 10:22 pm Current Mood: mur.

I'm trapted in this space, trapted between you and a wall. I close my eyes, pretending I did'nt build this wall here. You stand so firm, and I fall so weak to you. And it's not like you ever cared? but for some reason I did..I do. So you say you've found your way to happiness. You say you never really needed me,you never need me? And now you've been enlighted to the truth. Your eyes are free to shine, and your smiles honest. But how can honesty be so fake? How can it be so faded? Your face seems so dull now.. But hey...Are you safe? Cause nothing can reach you now.

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Current Music: Copeland-Hold Nothing Back Subject: things that make m e go round. Time: 07:09 pm Current Mood: dorky.

I love this man.

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March 10th, 2005

Current Music: The Juliana Theory-do you believe me Subject: You could M A K E this VERY easy. Time: 09:42 pm Current Mood: Safe in my own hands?

I feel as if I have no place to go. I'm trapped in the complacency. These feelings are suffocating me I’ve tried to find relief. The void between me and you The feelings of you being untrue. I almost feel invisible to you. Can’t you just try to look me eye to eye? I’ll never know, and you’ll never feel the flame of this heart. So let the scene play out, and I’ll keep in character. …for everyone’s sake.

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March 6th, 2005

Current Music: Copeland "Love is a Fast song" Subject: Y o u have M Y attention. Time: 06:47 pm Current Mood: What has love become?

Best song out there right now... COPELAND- "You Have My Attention" Quiet now, your voice seems miles away Yet somehow, I hear your song resound A little bit softer each day And from my tired heart, a little bit farther away I’ll sing along The whole day through Just do your best to hear me It’s all you can do You have my attention Like you’ve had all the while Since that first day when you made my heart smile With loving eyes and tired sighs that flow You have my attention Like a shout through an empty sanctuary Speak but a whisper I’ll hear a sermon I’ll sing along, the whole day through Just do your best to hear me It’s all you can do I’ll sing along, the whole night through While you sleep safely I’ll be thinking about you You have my attention

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